The Misadventures of the Death Eaters
by purplediamond7
Summary: The Death Eaters... what do they really do in their spare time? What is Voldemort really like behind a mask of horror?
1. The Tennis Match

**The (Mis)adventures of the "Death Eaters"**

Declaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't have let Sirius die...

**The Tennis Match**

Bellatrix Lestrage walked out into the tennis court first. She looked like no one had ever seen her before. She wore a short white tennis skirt and a blue T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the shoulders. Her luscious black hair, instead of being threateningly spread over her shoulders and falling into her face in ominous shadows, was pulled into a tight high ponytail. It swished with Bellatrix's ever step. She also wore tennis shoes, which was quite different from the usual high-heeled imposing black boots.

Lucius Malfoy walked in after her. Now, before a description of Lucius's appearance could be detailed, we must remember that wizards have no clear idea of how to dress for a Muggle game like tennis. Please keep this in mind. Lucius wore a blue tennis skirt, and a bright pink T-shirt, sleeves rolled up like Bellatrix's. His long, normally stately blonde hair was also pulled back into a high ponytail with a ponytail holder that matched his shirt. Now, this might all look alright on a woman, but the effect of this on Lucius was quite shocking. It certainly gave the other Death Eaters a chance to find out that he had rather fat legs. No one had quite noticed that before.

Rudophus Lestrange walked in as well, dressed like Lucius, only his tennis skirt was pink and T-shirt white. His brother Rabastan came in after him.

Next, Narcissa came in. She was not strictly a Death Eater, but that didn't really matter. She joined them for the tennis match. She was the exact same was as Bellatrix, and didn't look that bad. She came in pulling Severus Snape in after her. He was still wearing his long black robes and a thoroughly disgruntled expression. His hair was just as greasy as always.

All of the tennis-player wannabe Death Eaters were swinging tennis rackets. Lucius and Bellatrix played Narcissa and Severus in doubles and Rudolphus played Rabastan in singles. The banter started at once.

"Do you call that a serve, Bellatrix?" demanded Narcissa. Bellatrix threw the next ball and hit Narcissa square on the forehead.

"Oops," Bellatrix said. "Let's just hope she doesn't have a scar on her forehead, or we'll be asked to worship her next."

Everyone laughed, even Narcissa. Bellatrix served again, got the ball in by pure accident, and Severus, diving for it, fell over his long robes and sprawled magnificently.

"Oh, Severus, we need to get you dressed for tennis," Narcissa told him.

"No, you do not," Severus snarled, pulling himself up from the ground.

"Come on, help me, Bellatrix, Lucius!" Narcissa cried and they attacked. They dragged Severus off and about fifteen minutes came back, with their victim dressed perfectly for tennis.

Severus was a sight to behold. He was wearing a pink tennis skirt, and pink T-shirt, and his greasy hair was pulled back into a ridiculously high ponytail. Snape's expression was long past disgruntled. It was absolutely livid. Rodolphus and Rabastan screamed with laughter.

"Now," Bellatrix said, "This might just work."

She served, didn't get the ball in, served again, missed again, did that several more times until everyone lost count. Finally, she got the ball in by throwing it, Narcissa hit it so hard that it flew up and bounced off the ceiling, hit the floor and bounced a few more times. Everyone looked at the ball, disgruntled. So the game went on. If the ball was in, it was most definitely by accident.

Suddenly, there was a loud and dramatic _crack!_ and Voldemort was standing in the middle of the tennis courts, right between the nets, looking dark, evil, and imposing. His red eyes glittered in a very menacing way. Even though the Death Eaters knew this was all a big show, they could not help but be rather frightened.

"What are you doing?" the Dark Lord demanded in his most dark, evil, and imposing voice.

"Playing tennis, my lord," said Narcissa, the boldest of the lot. "Would you care to join us?"

"Join you?" Voldemort thundered.

"Yes, you know," Narcissa said, brightly, "As in, play with us, you know, do the same thing as us,"

"I know what you mean," Voldemort snarled at her.

"You do?" Snape asked.

"Of course I do! Would I have become a Dark Lord by being stupid?" Voldemort demanded.

The Death Eaters were silent, thinking about the time when Voldemort had forgotten what end of the wand he was supposed to use.

"Well, would I?" Voldemort cried again.

"Um...no?" Lucius ventured. He supposed that this was the answer Voldemort was looking for, if he didn't forget what answer he was looking for by now.

"Of course I wouldn't have!" Voldemort said. "I need you be fighting the Order, not playing tennis,"

"Yes, my lord," Rabastan said, serving.

"Well, why aren't you going yet?"

All of the Dark Lord's evil minions paused for a second. Then Snape, who was surprisingly intelligent, said,

"We can challenge the Order to a tennis match,"

"You're a valuable minion, Severus," Voldemort informed him. Then he burst into laughter.

"What?" asked the Death Eaters.

"Can you imagine Muggle-loving fool Albus Dumbledore in a tennis skirt?"

The Death Eaters didn't say a word. They just stood in absolute silence, watching their evil leader laughing like a maniac.

"Uh..." Snape said, "He's dead. I killed him,"

"Oh," Voldemort said rather stupidly, and stopped laughing.

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	2. The Halibut and the Order of the?

**The (Mis)adventures of the Death Eaters**

Declaimer: Maybe in another universe, I would own Harry Potter. Here, I don't even own the Death Eaters.

**The Halibut and the Order of the...?**

"My faithful minions!" Voldemort addressed his Death Eaters at an important meeting. "Even though 'Alibut Dumbledore is dead,"

"At least he remembered," Snape muttered. "Wait, WHAT?"

"What?" Voldemort asked.

"_'Alibut_ Dumbledore?" Snape asked incredulously.

"Oh, right. Even though Halibut Dumbledore is dead--"

"That's not his name!" Snape cried in desperation.

"What is it, then?" Voldemort demanded in desperation.

"Albus," Lucius and Snape yelled together.

"Fine, even thought Albus Dumbledore is dead, the Order of the... I can't say it!" Voldemort snarled suddenly.

"Say what?" Lucius asked.

"F--F--"

"You mean phoenix?" Snape asked.

"Yes, that! So, the Order of the..."

"Phoenix," Lucius reminded him.

"Shut up!" Voldemort snarled. He snatched a piece of paper and scrawled "Fenicks."

"That's not how you spell 'phoenix,'" Snape said snidely.

"Oh, right," Voldemort said. He scratched that out and wrote "Fennix,"

"That's still wrong," Snape commented.

"Fine, you write it then, if you're so clever," Voldemort cried, throwing the piece of paper and pencil across the table to Snape. Snape wrote, in his neat cramped handwriting, the word "pheniks," and held it up.

"That looks wrong," Bellatrix commented, squinting at it.

Snape flushed and wrote "phenix" instead.

"Oh, give me that," Bellatrix demanded and wrote "phoenicks" in a large, square hand. She handed the paper to Voldemort.

"So, as I was saying. Even though Albus Dumbledore is dead, the Order of the-" he held up the piece of paper, "is still at large,"

"Hang on," Lucius said, "that still looks wrong..."


	3. Voldemort Strives for the Highest

**The (Mis)adventures of the "Death Eaters"**

Declaimer: Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true...Somewhere over the rainbow I would own Harry Potter. Most unfortunately this is not somewhere over the rainbow...

**Voldemort Strives for the Highest**

Voldemort was thinking. This didn't happen very often. He was thinking about the various Dark Lords in literally history and wondering if he was the best. He hadn't read a lot, so he decided to call upon one of his loyal minions. He decided, uncommonly wisely, on Snape.

"Snape!" he called. No answer.

"Snape!" No answer. Wait, that's Tom Sawyer, only without the 'Tom.' "SNAPE, IF YOU DON'T GET OVER HERE NOW, I'LL CURSE YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!"

"Are you sure you remember how to, my lord?" asked Snape's snide voice. Voldemort jumped. Then he realized that Snape had been in the same room with him, and had been looking at him interestedly since Voldemort had started calling.

"Of course I'm sure," Voldemort snarled, recovering from his unpleasant surprise. "Or do you want to try and find out?"

"Well, what did you want me for?" Snape asked. He decided to evade the last question. Voldemort was, after all, the Dark Lord, even though he was remarkably stupid.

"Snape, you've read a lot, right?" the fearsome Dark Lord asked.

"Yes," Snape conceded.

"Tell me, what Dark Lords have you heard of?"

"Well, not all of them are Dark Lords, but there are a fair number of vicious antagonists."

"Tell me about them,"

"Well, there was Sauron," Snape said, "he is from The Lord of the Rings, and he really is a Dark Lord."

"What is he like?"

"He was a powerful shape-shifter and enchanter, as well as a necromancer. He had many threatening shapes, and I think he preferred a menacing-looking Dark Lord and a werewolf, but he was permanently stuck as a huge flaming eye."

"So he was a big eye, and he just sat there and looked at stuff?"

"No, he corrupted lots of people."

"So did I,"

"Yes, but Sauron was a necromancer, so he could raise people from the dead,"

"So can I, I can create Inferi,"

"Yes, but his were better than Inferi."

"Well, he was defeated, right?"

"Right."

"Any other Dark Lords?"

"Also in The Lord of the Rings, there was Morgoth. Sauron was just his servant. He was permanently transformed into a Dark Lord."

"Was he defeated as well?"

"Yes,"

"Then I'm better than him," Voldemort concluded triumphantly.

Snape didn't answer.

"Anyone else?"

"Of course, there was Arawn in the Lloyd Alexander books,"

"What did he do?"

"Oh, he was evil and vicious and he had armies of deathless warriors, but they weren't as good as Sauron's. They were like Inferi. But he also had absolutely brutal huge birds."

"I'll have to work on that one. Was that one defeated?"

"Of course. Now, there was also Kal Torak in the Belgariad. He was a god, and he had a whole nation at his command. They worshiped him and sacrificed someone to him every hour."

"Hmmmm, sacrifices," Voldemort said thoughtfully.

"That's not a good idea. The sacrifices didn't make Torak very loved in other parts of the world,"

"Alright, and this one was polished off as well, right?"

"Oh, yes."

"Well, so a way of raising people fully from the dead, and huge vicious birds. Thank you, Severus. Now I know that I'm better than all those Dark Lords. They were defeated. I wasn't."

"Have you noticed the 'Dark Lord patter'?"

"No, what do you mean?"

"I mean that they always get defeated."

"So?"

"_You're_ a Dark Lord,"

"_Crucio!_"

Snape ducked.

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	4. Rivalry and Headquarters

**The (Mis)adventures of the "Death Eaters"**

Declaimer: if I owned Harry Potter, Sirius would come back...right now!

**Rivalry and Headquarter**

The Death Eaters were at a meeting in the Malfoy Mansion. Their meeting moved from place to place all the time. Last week they wound up discussing strategies for attacking the Order in a dump. Everyone was thankful that they had a nice roof over their heads that did not leak. Speaking of this, Bellatrix brought up an important point.

"We need headquarters," she said decidedly.

"Yes," Snape said. "The Order have headquarters. We would be worse than them if we don't have headquarters. Actually, since we don't have headquarters, we are worse than them,"

"No we are not! We cannot be worse than the Order!" Lucius cried in despair.

"I'm afraid we are, Lucius," Snape told him. "But we won't be once we establish headquarters."

"Where'll we establish them?" Voldemort asked.

"We should get a house," Snape said.

"How?" Voldemort asked.

"We need money," Bellatrix said. "How much do we have?"

"We were ruined a month ago," Narcissa said, "We had to pay quite a lot to get Lucius out of Azkaban,"

"We never had any to begin with," Bellatrix said.

"I'm broke," Snape said, "teacher's salary, you know,"

"Looks like we don't have any money," Lucius stated.

There was a moment of silence.

"The Death Eaters bankrupt!" Lucius wailed. "It's absolutely disgraceful! I'm sure that the Order was never bankrupt."

"What do we do?" Voldemort asked helplessly.

Snape rolled his eyes irritably. "We're Death Eaters. We go up to a Muggle realtor and threaten him into getting us a house."

"Let's go!" Lucius cried exitedly.

Lucius, who was the most eager of the Death Eaters on this particular project; Snape, who had something resembling intelligence; Bellatrix, who claimed to be the Dark Lord's most loyal follower; and Voldemort, the Dark Lord himself stood in front of Smith's House Agency. The sign under the door read "Find your ideal (in houses)!" Lucius ran up and rang the doorbell excitedly. Someone came to the door.

"Can we see Mr. Smith?" asked Lucius, almost hopping with excitement.

"Which one?" the man at the door asked.

"There's more than one?" Lucius asked, looking like a deflating balloon.

"Naturally, there's Mr. William Smith, Mr. William Williams, Mr. William Blake, Mr. William Gordon, Mr. William Fitzgerald, and Mr. William Grant."

Voldemort looked confused.

"Hang on," Snape said. "We said Mr. Smith."

"I told you there's Mr. William Smith, Mr. William Williams, Mr. William--"

"Their last names aren't all Smith!" Snape informed him, rather irritably.

"Yes they are!"

"Look, we want to see Mr. William Smith," Snape said.

"Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?" asked the man, and led them down a long hallway. He showed them to a large office where a tall, bald man was sitting at a desk littered with papers, pencils, and erasers.

"Mr. Smith--" Snape started.

"I hope you mean me and not Mr. William Williams or Mr. William Blake, or Mr. William--"

"No, we mean you, Mr. William Smith," Snape said, wondering what the hell was wrong with this place.

"Oh, good," Mr. William Smith said. "Do sit down," he gestured the whole group to one solitary, inkstained chair. All of them went for it, and the next second all of the Death Eaters and Voldemort were on the floor.

"I'm the Dark Lord, I get the chair!" shouted Voldemort. Eventually, Voldemort sat enthroned on the chair and the rest of the Death Eaters had brushed off their robes and were standing around him with disgruntled expressions.

"Now," Voldemort said. "We need a house,"

"What kind did you have in mind?" Mr. William Smith asked.

"A large one," Voldemort said.

"Well, here are the pamphlets--"

Lucius snatched the pamphlets out of his hands and looked at them eagerly.

"Oh, this one, this one!" he cried.

Snape peered over his shoulder in revoltion. "It's... pink," he stated.

"Yes, I know," Lucius exclaimed happily.

"We are not going to have a pink house!" Snape exploded. "Let's take this one and be done with it."

'This one' was a large, imposing-looked black mansion. It agreed with everyone. The next day, they went with Mr. William Smith to look at it.

"Alright, we're taking it," Snape said.

"Yes," Voldemort echoed.

"That will be 1 million pounds," Mr. William Smith told them.

"_Obliviate!_" Snape cried, right on cue. Mr. William Smith gave Snape the deal for the house and rambled away vaguely. Lucius, still as eager as ever, pulled the sign 'For Sale' off the door and they happily walked into their knew headquarters. Snape was amazed that something the Death Eaters decided to do had worked.

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	5. Severus Snape Wonders

**The (Mis)adventures of the "Death Eaters"**

Declaimer: Oh, how I wish I owned Harry Potter... I don't.

**Severus Snape Wonders**

Saturday morning found Severus Snape at the window of the Death Eater's headquarters. He had caught up on sleep, a chance he didn't get very often, working at Hogwarts. Yesterday, he was woken at 4 o'clock in the morning by Argus Filch, who was asked by Madam Pomfrey to deal with a student who had somehow got poisoned in the middle of the night. Madam Pomfrey had done her best for the last two hours, but it was of no avail. Snape, who was not a morning person, couldn't un-poison the student for a whole hour, probably due to the fact that he didn't remember to put newt juice in the antidote for the first half an hour.

Well, Severus Snape was not wondering about poisoned students, he was wondering how Voldemort had become so threatening and famous. He _must_ have done something. He was, and there was no other way to say it, incredibly stupid. Snape, despite being surprisingly modest, had to admit that he himself was about ten times more intelligent. And he was right. Voldemort had never showed a trace of real intelligence. He had failed to spot the fact that all Dark Lords were defeated, had no clear idea of how to spell "phoenix", but admittedly neither did Snape nor any of the Death Eaters. But a great and horror-inspiring Dark Lord should be able to remember the name of his greatest enemy, and not think it was Halibut.

What could Voldemort have done? Snape decided to ask him. Snape was smart enough not to say "What did you do to become so famous? You're amazingly stupid." Instead he knocked politely on his master's door.

"Enter!" Voldemort said in his most imposing voice. "Ah, Snape, do sit down,"

"I wanted to ask you," Snape asked, sinking into a high armchair, "How did you become a Dark Lord?"

Voldemort looked slightly shifty. "Well," he said, "I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone,"

"I promise," Snape promised, fascinated.

"You see, I did something at school that no one else has done before,"

"What?" Snape asked, interested in Voldemort's terrible secret.

"I listened during History of Magic," Voldemort confessed.

Snape was dumbfounded for a moment. He couldn't imagine listening to Binns. "So... how did that help you?" he asked, still mystified.

"Well, in our sixth year, Binns told us about a Dark Lord named Nimbron, who lived in the fifteenth century. He was a terrible tyrant, and everyone feared him. So that's where I got the idea. I went to the library's restricted section and did some research on him. I found a book written by him, _How to be a Dark Lord_, and I followed the advise exactly, and as you can see, it worked."

"That must be one useful book," Snape said.

"Yes, it was, until I burned it," Voldemort said, lying through his teeth. The one thing Voldemort was most accomplished at, was lying. And Snape didn't want to risk Legilimancy.

Snape looked disgruntled. However, he instantly pretended not to be. "I greatly appreciate your trust in me, my lord," he said, and went out.

Voldemort, meanwhile went upstairs to his bedroom, crawled under the huge bed, took out a large book, and petted it fondly. Then he looked at a random page. He saw a peace of advise about being a Dark Lord he had never noticed before. "Never tell any of your minions about this book." Voldemort looked at it in horror.

"Oh, now I've messed up," he exclaimed.

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	6. Names, Names, Names

**The (Mis)adventures of the "Death Eaters"**

Declaimer: If I owned Harry Potter... Okay, coming out of my happy dream now...

**Names, Names, Names**

The Death Eaters were in their headquarters, having, as usual, an important meeting. They were all thinking about what to suggest.

"We need a name," Narcissa said suddenly.

"We already have a name," Snape reminded her.

"Do we?" asked the as-usual clueless Voldemort.

"The Death Eaters," Snape said, exasperated.

"Oh, right." Voldemort said, sounding rather stupid. "But 'Order of the Phoenix' sounds much better than 'Death Eaters'".

"'Death Eaters' sounds more imposing," Snape said. "Besides, J.K. Rowling wanted the good guys to sound better than the bad guys."

"Why can't we be the good guys?" whined Lucius.

"Because it's against our natures," Snape explained. "We're evil." After a pause, "Aren't we?"

"I _think_ so," Bellatrix said.

"Well, our headquarters _do_ need a name." Snape declared.

"The Order's headquarters don't have a name," Voldemort commented.

"That makes us better!" Lucius exclaimed triumphantly.

"Once we have a name," Snape reminded him.

"Right, let's do it!" Lucius cried excitedly, as eager as ever.

There was a moment of silence. It was obvious that the Death Eaters weren't very imaginative.

"Black Hole!" suggested Lucius joyfully.

"Why on earth?" demanded Snape.

"Because everything that comes in here never come out." Lucius said, trying to sound imposing.

"I don't like it," Voldemort said. "How about Dark Tower?"

"This isn't a tower." Snape commented.

"But that's the classic Dark Lord stronghold name."

"Well, we don't have an imposing enough so-called stronghold, then." Snape concluded.

"House of Horror?" suggested Bellatrix.

"That's a good one,"

"How is Black Hole worse?"

"How about Dark Duress?"

"What is it with the alliteration?" from Snape.

"Prison of Terror!"

"You might as well take House of Horror."

"Labyrinth of the Minotaur!"

"Are you insane? This isn't a labyrinth!"

"Who cares, it sounds scary!"

"Haunted House!" Lucius suggested, bouncing up and down in excitement.

"Try something a bit more cliche, will you?" Snape growled.

"Sure," Lucius said, happy to oblige.

"That was sarcasm!" Snape cried.

"Go to hell with your sarcasm!" Lucius yelled, losing his temper. He jumped up and punched Snape.

"I know! Living Hell!" Narcissa exclaimed

"Good one! Or Hell's Outpost!" Bellatrix suggested

"I like that one, but I like Living Hell better."

Two minutes later, both sisters were tearing at each other's hair and screaming at each other. Soon, all of the Death Eaters were on the floor, punching and kicking for all they were worth.

The next morning, Snape came up to the headquarters of the Death Eaters. He was limping, and had a black eye. His healing spell wouldn't work. He was about to open the door when he saw a piece of paper taped to the door. Thinking that it might be a note from Voldemort, _if he was literate_, Snape reflected bitterly, he looked at it. The paper said The Black Hole.

"Oh, no," Snape groaned.

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